7 Songs I've Had on Repeat Through My Loss
(David & I at baby Kalea’s grave, April 6 2020)
I started listening to Christian music on my mission several years ago. I thought when I came home I'd go back to listening to my old music... but I never did. I couldn't bring myself to go back to listening to the music I used to. I had changed so much.
And I'm so glad.
Listening to Christian music has both gradually and immediately elevated my life. Here are just a few of the biggest (and most unexpected) ways this simple switch of music has impacted my life:
Christ is at the center of my thoughts now. I always have a line or two running through my mind during the day. I think about Him almost constantly. I love Him more. I had no idea how much music was affecting me until I changed what I was listening to.
My Marriage.I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing it has been to listen to Christian music together. It's brought us closer, given us a shared passion and interest, and changed the atmosphere of our home and car rides. (Honestly, it's a little hard to fight when you're listening to songs about Christ and forgiveness haha)
More hope, peace, and faith in Christ. My testimony has increased tremendously!
More moments of clarity and revelation. The spirit is able to be with me more. I can't tell you how many times I've been IN TEARS in the car because I've just heard something that answered a prayer.
More gratitude and reverence for my Savior. Hearing about His life and death over and over again in beautiful, endless arrangements of lyric and song has made His sacrifice more personal and real to me.
I feel less alone and more connected to others. Guys, I found my people. I found my tribe. I'm not alone in my love of God and in my desire to praise and honor him.
And now with the passing of my baby girl, its holding me together and giving me the words my soul longs to sing.
Here are 7 songs I've played on repeat these past weeks as I've both grieved and rejoiced in my God and struggled to draw closer to Him through my loss.
#1 The Dark Before The Dawn, Andrew Peterson
"I've been waiting for the sun... I've been waiting for some peace..."
The lyrics are beautiful. He beautifully captures what it's like to experience darkness and times of sadness and uncertainty and seamlessly weaves in his own testimony and faith. It is a song about waiting on the Lord, knowing that the dawn will come. For my sweet baby girl who was born at dawn, this resonates with me so much as I am now waiting for the dawn again-- but this time for the dawn of the resurrection when I will be reunited with her.
#2 The Blessing, Kari Jobe & Cody Carnes
"May His presence go before you, and behind you, and beside you, all around you, and within you. He is with you.
In the morning, in the evening, in your coming, and your going, in your weeping, and rejoicing. He is for you."
My brother, who NEVER cries, showed this song to me the morning of her funeral. We sat on the couch and listened to this song while silent tears rolled down his face. It was a powerful moment. I have wept listening to this song many times since then because of the beautiful blessings in this song. Every line comes directly from scripture. What hit me was all the ways I need the spirit right now-- before me, behind me, beside me, all around me, and within me. Each has a very different meaning.
It's long and repetitive, but to me it's like positive affirmations-- faith affirmations. It has brought me incredible peace and soothed my heart in very direct and personal ways.
#3 Way Maker, Leeland
"Even when I don't see it, You're working. Even when I don't feel it, You're working. You never stop, you never stop working....
You are way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness. My God, that is who you are."
I loved this song even before Kalea passed away, and I love to watch the music video. My God is my light in the darkness-- even when I can't see it or feel it-- He is there.
#4 I Know, Big Daddy Weave
“You don't answer all my questions,
But you hear me when I speak.
You don't keep my heart from breaking,
But when it does, you weep with me.
You're so close that I can feel you,
When I've lost the words to pray.
And though my eyes have never seen you,
I've seen enough to say..."
I love this. We all experience overwhelming pain and unanswered questions, but there is still SO MUCH MORE that we DO know.
#5 Breakthrough, Red Rocks Worship
"I believe there will be breakthrough."
Like the breakthrough of light on a stormy day-- there will be moments of light and relief. I believe this, I know this. I wait for those moments and remember that God has complete power to move my mountains, shake my trials, and break down the walls I face.
#6 Remember, Bryan & Katie Torwalt
"How quickly we forget the power
That's running through our veins.
The kind of power that empties graves.
And oh my soul--
Remember who you're talking to.
The only One who death bows to.
That's the God who walks with you.
And oh my soul--
You know that if He did it then,
He can do it all again.
His power can still raise the dead.
Don't tell me that He's finished yet."
This is my HOPE as I pray-- to remember the kind of God I pray to, and to never forget that there are so many more miracles waiting ahead for me, even when they aren't the miracles I want at the time.
The night Kalea died, I walked out of the hospital knowing Christ could have raised her from the dead if he had wanted to. But he didn't. And still, just hours after her death, there was peace in trusting Him.
All that mattered was that I still knew He has the power to raise the dead, and that one day He will raise her again.
#7 You're Gonna Be OK, Jenn Johnson
"When the night is closing in, don't give up, and don't give in.
This won't last, it's not the end."
For those really, really hard days.
I listened to this one a lot after Payson's diagnosis too. Sometimes, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, and that's OK too.
I hope some of these songs help you as much as they've helped me. Let me know which is your favorite! I'd love to hear what moves you.
