Tough Enough To Be Kind
“I have never been on the outskirts of the church— but I felt it today.
I’ve never had a major doctrinal wrestle or issue with any policy or practice of the church.
And then it happened…”
Tasked to Endure
“…despite the hard days, the days I cry until I have a headache, the nightmares, the trauma— life is (I say cautiously) good. Things are going well. We are happy. And maybe that’s a bit confusing. Because I can’t help but feel on edge. Like, alright, it’s been good and quiet for too long— what’s coming next? Grief lately feels like… “
4 Things I’ve learned about Satan
“Feels weird to say, but I’ve never felt Satan’s presence so fully in my life. …When I hit my lowest, he showed up the strongest….”
Letting go
We could have held onto them standing out there on the dock— but we would have never seen what they were made to do. They were made to be released— to return to the sky and to bring light to the darkness…
It Would Be Weird If You Weren’t Depressed
…I sit patiently in the darkness and peer around until I find light. I let myself feel the lows and then I work with those feelings. This is the bright side of depression. That depression can actually be very…
Big Seizures & Big Miracles
Payson had two seizures today. Big ones. 45 minutes of seizing. His emergency medicine stopped the first one after fifteen minutes but didn’t touch the second…
Alone with One
…The swing where Kalea should have been. The emptiness was too much for me. The grief came rushing back. What if her baby spirit was right there watching us push Payson? What if she was sitting in right there in that little swing? What if she was hoping and waiting for me to push her? Irrational as it was I walked over and started pushing the empty baby swing (sometimes grief is irrational)…
Luck of the Irish
A friend texted me a few weeks after my baby passed away asking how I was holding up. I snapped this pic (no makeup, eyes perma-puffed shut from lack of sleep and crying) and sent it to her with the text "idk why but I find wearing…
Where are you God?
…The complete wreckage of the last three years of my life flashed in my mind— Payson's 200+ seizures, his Dravet diagnosis, Kalea's unexpected death, the overwhelming grief, our rocky marriage. I coldly replied “Maybe I could use a little less blessings from the Lord right now.”
His Hands Make Whole
… There I was in the middle of my aftershocks, coping with grief, struggling with loss, and feeling like the very foundation of my marriage was cracking underneath my feet. And then I see this picture of my family…
Hallelujah, nevertheless.
At first, I had so much grace in accepting both Payson's epilepsy and Kalea's death. Now as time moves on-- I've started looking around and wondering why I've been hit SO HARD…